Parisian Pick-Me-Up
I thought I left them behind in Connecticut where they belong. I thought I laid them to rest. I thought that when I overlooked the Croatian sea every day I was holding my own sort of funeral for them: paying my respects, acknowledging what they taught me and pushed me to achieve, and most importantly, saying goodbye to them. But no, those pesky little things found me after all this time in my little Florentine apartment one day. My worries were slowly creeping back into my life. Rather than wonder which delicious restaurant my friends and I will visit that evening or daydream about the adventures ahead of me, I found myself worrying about paychecks and my future.
The thoughts
started to bombard my mind. I’m not making enough money! How can I afford
to live abroad? How will I pay off my student loans? Where will I work next
year? What country do I want to be in next year? A flight home for a visit next
year will max out my credit card! Do I need a second job? Am I being naïve
living out here? Should I get a “real-world” job? What am I supposed to be
doing?
It was
exhausting and frightening. Here I was, making giants strides with my personal
growth – finally feeling whole – and these pathetic and aggressive worries
stopped me dead in my tracks, leaving me lost and confused once again. How did they find me here? I thought I lost
them long ago?
After a week
of my mind drowning in worry, I woke up one day and decided that I will not be
a victim of fear again. So I thought: I need some space and time to regain
perspective on my life. I checked my E-Mail and my dear old friend, Ryan Air,
sent me an e-mail with a flight promotion.
It was
decided – I needed a weekend getaway to Paris.
I landed in
the City of Lights, ready to reboot my soul-searching quest and reconnect with
my heart. I did not bring any books to read or headphones to listen to music. I
wanted the only conversation to be within me, between my heart and my mind.
Paris, oh
Paris – what a beautiful city. The center
of Paris is home to the famous attractions yet its architectural beauty and
Parisian charm spiral outwards into the double-digit arrondissements. It is a
city with extremely beautiful people and with the perfect amount of pompousness
that you would expect of Paris. The French are set in their ways and seem quite
content with them. They have mastered simple makeup and high fashion. They can
charge you 9 euro for a cappuccino yet you can buy a baguette for 1. They can
speak English, but choose not to – but how you could blame them when French
sounds so sensually alluring?
I walked and
thought for three days. It felt good to be in a new environment again and to
embrace a new culture. I visited all of
the beautiful sights and admired how well designed Paris was. I gawked at the
Eiffel Tower every single time it came into my view. I splurged and purchased
the famed macaroons from Laduree. The Italians know their wine and pizza, but
the French know their pastries and desserts.
During this
brief trip, I was given the novel Aleph
by Paulo Coelho. An amazing story written by a gifted writer, Aleph tells Coelho’s own experience of
finding himself halted on his journey of spiritual renewal and growth – quite
fitting for the feeling the worries simmering within my mind were giving me. Even
though I intended not to read on this trip, the book found me and after the
first page, I knew why.
It was not
until my third day in Paris that I finally felt like my feet were on the ground
again. The smoke and mirrors my worries set up around my mind were dismantled.
I beat them. I am stronger now than I was before.
On this day I
walked down to Notre Dame and entered this grand Cathedral. I was immediately
taken aback and overwhelmed by its intricate beauty. I wandered the church,
reading each plaque for every sculpture and painting, and feeling a sense of
calmness. Then I sat down at one of the pews and just started to think,
meditate, and pray. I sat there for over an hour and reconnected to what
matters – my heart and soul. I prayed for every family member and friend. I
gave thanks for all of my blessings and all of my hardship. I promised not to
let fear and worry cloud my mind.
That’s the
thing; if you worry you do not trust. I am not meant to know my future and how
my destiny will play out. I must only have complete faith that it will work out
the way it is supposed to be. All I need to do is live in the present,
experience life, learn all that I can, and spread my love. It wasn’t until I finished that I realized I
had tears quietly falling down my face – but they were happy tears, cleansing
me of any confusion.
I exited the
church and strolled along the Square and river, feeling lighter and radiating
hope. Everything started to become very clear and very humorous. Did I really
let worrying over inanimate things knock me off my feet and cause me to stumble
on my path? Society has drilled into our minds that money and a successful
career define our self-worth. We must
have a complex plan comprised of degrees and 401K’s in order to succeed - and
you must adhere to it. These “rules” are
imprinted in our minds so deeply that we begin to shape our existence around
them.
When in reality, we are truly
defined by the goodness in our hearts, the capability to give and to love, our
passions and dreams, and our learning experiences. Some of the most influential
people in history, artists, poets, singers, and writers, did not work 9-5 jobs
or live in a constant state of discontent because they think that is what they are supposed
to be doing. On the contrary, they
followed their passions and their career happened to be the instrument that
expressed their soul.
I ended my
trip enjoying a lovely meal in a quaint French café. Reflecting upon my
experiences thus far, this bump in my ride simply solidifies the fact that I
must always live fearlessly and be hopeful. Next year I will be in the country
I need to be in, at the job I need to work at, surrounded by the people I need
to meet at that point in my journey.
Money will come and go, but it will not stop me from following my
dreams. Everything will work out the way it is supposed to and I will be graced
with support and protection as long as I give my complete trust into my
faith. I must take the lessons I have
learned from my past, be open to the future, but most importantly, live in the
present.
This is a
journey. There will be detours, bumps in the road, mountains to climb, and seas
to sail over. It may not always be easy but it is the path I am meant to be
on. I must humbly remember that there will always be people fighting a harder battle – my obstacles I can conquer, but perhaps
theirs they cannot.
I may have many tough struggles ahead of me, but I am more sure of myself and of what I believe in now
than I was a year ago.
I simply must continue to keep my feet
on the ground and my heart stronger than my mind.
Comments
Post a Comment