He did and said all the right things. He was good looking and good on paper. But yet, another one bit the dust and he fell victim to my issues. It started off great and I was interested – somewhat. I knew that he would not be my future husband but I was content on being wined and dined for a little while. Yet after I felt him staring at me while out one night and asked him why, he foolishly responded with “I can’t sit here and gaze into your beautiful eyes?” No, no you cannot – and that was my cue to run. This led to me and my girls devising my exit strategy where we told this innocent Italian and his friends that we were calling it a night and heading home. When in fact, we went to a bar down the road and drank the night away with prosecco and fabulous gay men.
It is the same old story. There is a spark at first and both parties are interested. Then as time progresses, one of two things happens: either you realize you can’t have him which makes you just want him more, or you see that he is wrapped around your finger and the chase is over and you back out – whether he is informed or not.
Is it still all about the game? Why do we want what we can’t have and run away from things that are right in front of us? Can’t we have both romance and passion? These are the questions that girlfriends all over the world discuss over countless bottles of wine and after watching a couple episodes of Sex & the City.
Clearly, I have my own issues when it comes to relationships. Normal people don’t wake up one day and want nothing to do with the guy they are seeing. Normal people jump ship when they see the red flags or when they just down right know the guy is trouble. Normal people don’t go back and forth, debating if they long for a companion. Normal people believe marriage is a credible and entirely feasible institution. Right?
My reservations on commitment and trust haunt me like a bad dream; I can’t seem to shake them. I have my heart guarded behind a solid fortress, it is too big and fragile to give to just anyone. Yet, I have been foolish, or perhaps hopeful, enough to break down those walls and let someone in – just a tiny bit. The moment I do, boom – the relationship crumbles: someone loses interest, someone cheats, someone moves to another city, someone meets a better prospect, or someone’s expectations are too high. I am not bitter towards any failed relationship. Rather, I look back upon them and now laugh at the chaos that once was. I have learned, I have grown, and I am much better off without them.
Unfortunately, these series of disastrous attempts now cause me to ignore the guy I am seeing cold turkey or have panic attacks in bars after I so graciously ditch them. Even more unfortunate is that fact that I have had to blacklist many bars from this, as well as lost a few pairs of great earrings. I wish I just learned how to say “I’m just not that into you” in Italian.
Alas, I am left where I began – and as of right now, I wouldn’t have it any other way. I have not written off falling deep in love or being a part of a long-lasting partnership. I just know that now is not my time. I am leaving Italy in six months and who knows where I will be heading off to in September. It is not practical to form ties to these countries when I have an expiration date for them. Ideally, I would have someone to travel and explore the world with; however, this journey is about myself and involves only myself.
I still have hope that one day I will not wake up and want to run away from the relationship I am in. Or on the contrary, I hope I will not continue to run towards a relationship with an unavailable and broken guy. I was raised on Disney movies and the idea of Prince Charming was instilled in me a long time ago. However, life and the relationships I have witnessed or been in have jaded me. Yet, a small part of me hopes that one day out of the blue the man I’ve been searching for will enter my life, ready to bring passion, love, fidelity, and adventure to the relationship. As for now, Prince Charming will have to wait and I will have to learn how to say “I’m just not that into you” in a couple languages.