Come se dice in Italiano….”I’m just not that into you?”
He
did and said all the right things. He was good looking and good on paper. But
yet, another one bit the dust and he fell victim to my issues. It started off
great and I was interested – somewhat. I knew that he would not be my future
husband but I was content on being wined and dined for a little while. Yet after I felt him staring at me while out
one night and asked him why, he foolishly responded with “I can’t sit here and
gaze into your beautiful eyes?” No, no you cannot – and that was my cue to run.
This led to me and my girls devising my exit strategy where we told this
innocent Italian and his friends that we were calling it a night and heading
home. When in fact, we went to a bar down the road and drank the night away
with prosecco and fabulous gay men.
It
is the same old story. There is a spark at first and both parties are
interested. Then as time progresses, one of two things happens: either you
realize you can’t have him which makes you just want him more, or you see that
he is wrapped around your finger and the chase is over and you back out –
whether he is informed or not.
Is
it still all about the game? Why do
we want what we can’t have and run away from things that are right in front of
us? Can’t we have both romance and passion? These are the questions that
girlfriends all over the world discuss over countless bottles of wine and after
watching a couple episodes of Sex & the City.
Clearly,
I have my own issues when it comes to relationships. Normal people don’t wake
up one day and want nothing to do with the guy they are seeing. Normal people
jump ship when they see the red flags or when they just down right know the guy
is trouble. Normal people don’t go back and forth, debating if they long for a
companion. Normal people believe marriage is a credible and entirely feasible
institution. Right?
My
reservations on commitment and trust haunt me like a bad dream; I can’t seem to
shake them. I have my heart guarded behind a solid fortress, it is too big and
fragile to give to just anyone. Yet, I have been foolish, or perhaps hopeful,
enough to break down those walls and let someone in – just a tiny bit. The
moment I do, boom – the relationship crumbles: someone loses interest, someone
cheats, someone moves to another city, someone meets a better prospect, or someone’s
expectations are too high. I am not bitter towards any failed relationship.
Rather, I look back upon them and now laugh at the chaos that once was. I have
learned, I have grown, and I am much better off without them.
Unfortunately,
these series of disastrous attempts now cause me to ignore the guy I am seeing
cold turkey or have panic attacks in bars after I so graciously ditch them.
Even more unfortunate is that fact that I have had to blacklist many bars from
this, as well as lost a few pairs of great earrings. I wish I just learned how to say “I’m just not that into you” in Italian.
Alas,
I am left where I began – and as of right now, I wouldn’t have it any other
way. I have not written off falling deep in love or being a part of a
long-lasting partnership. I just know that now is not my time. I am leaving
Italy in six months and who knows where I will be heading off to in September.
It is not practical to form ties to these countries when I have an expiration
date for them. Ideally, I would have someone to travel and explore the world
with; however, this journey is about myself and involves only myself.
I
still have hope that one day I will not wake up and want to run away from the relationship
I am in. Or on the contrary, I hope I will not continue to run towards a
relationship with an unavailable and broken guy. I was raised on Disney movies
and the idea of Prince Charming was instilled in me a long time ago. However,
life and the relationships I have witnessed or been in have jaded me. Yet, a
small part of me hopes that one day out of the blue the man I’ve been searching
for will enter my life, ready to bring passion, love, fidelity, and
adventure to the relationship. As for now, Prince Charming will have to wait
and I will have to learn how to say “I’m just not that into you” in a couple
languages.
Everything in the past just hasn't been right; you're lucky to be strong enough to react in whatever way you do to get yourself out of those situations. So many people get stuck in horrible relationships for years because they can't break out of them. You've got yourself AND the universe looking after you, girl! It'll come along when it's right...it just sucks not knowing when that will be. Yeah, I lucked out--but my husband is NOT Prince Charming or Mr. Darcy, nor is he the older billionaire Irish horse farm owner that I planned on. But, he's right. And your right significant other is out there. In the mean time, dance on tables, drink too much wine, cuddle when you want to, and stop taking your earrings off overnight ;-). LOVE YOU!
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